Recently, it's been discovered that when all those folks got together to write The Bible they had gotten blasted on Miller High Life and Jonah may have brought a fair amount of ecstasy and possibly some mescaline. So, in an attempt to enlighten people with the truth, I will be rewriting the stories as they happened, before those party animals had their say. Some stories weren't actual events at all but metaphors for inside jokes or gossip they had heard. For instance, Moses "talking to a burning bush" meant that he got syphilis, from a cheap hooker. In a state of delirium, he thought he was talking to God. But the first thing I am going to tackle is the story of Noah and the flood.
First of all, Noah himself told this story and he was a known exaggerator. He was also a sailing enthusiast and a narcissist and wanted everyone to know he made the best boats, which was a lie....he really wasn't that good. What it was, actually...there was this girl...her name was Candy and Noah was trying to show off, he wanted to impress her. He had gotten tired of his wife and Candy caught his eye. She was the daughter of a herdsman, with a wild streak. One summer break, she went to Cancun and got a dragon tattoo on the side of her ribcage.
Anyway, what really happened was it only rained for like 4 days. There was a flood but hardly anyone died. Maybe like 3 people. The only confirmed death was a guy named Vladimir Jackson. (Consequently, the town created the drink The Black Russian, in his honor.) But Noah built a pontoon boat and got his family on it. While they were getting ready two dogs jumped on board. That's where the animal thing, came into play. They were big ass dogs but I don't know how anyone could've believed there were any buffalo on there. That was all a bunch of bullshit. Do you know how many kinds of animals there are? And, where was he gonna get an alligator, in the middle east, let alone two? And, why would an alligator even need to get on a boat? And, there was no rainbow over a mountain or anything either. The writers added that later to go with the whole God theme of the book. So, anyway, Noah, his family, and two stray dogs sailed around for a few days, grilling burgers and drinking and he made up some other stuff to try and cheat on his wife. He was unsuccessful(Candy had jungle fever) but people seemed to like the story.
Oh, and another thing, they said Noah was like 600 years old. I don't know what they were on then. That's just ridiculous, right? He was 52.
Thanks for reading. Join me next time, when I: Debunk the story of Adam and Eve, explain just how hot Mary Magdalene was, and anger christians to a point where they might spontaneously combust.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Metaphor In Progress
Masturbation is really sad and depressing. It's kind of like if you were wandering through the desert, dying, and you suddenly see a giant, beautiful hotel and you start running towards it. Then, you're in front of it and you can't even contain yourself, you're so happy. But, when you walk through the door, you realize it's a sticky, hooker motel, the air conditioning is broken, and all the employees and the phone are dead. Then, you're like "What was I thinking coming to the desert, in the first place? It was a terrible idea.". It's kind of like that. Maybe.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Always The Rains Subside/A Brighter Day Is Near
It was inevitable. As much as I thought positively and said I wouldn't have to go to jury duty, I was always gonna end up there; I was always gonna end up sitting in a room, clawing my face off, in boredom. Luckily, my face is still attached....and here is the story of how:
I woke up at 5:30, in the morning. This, mind you, is the time I usually go to sleep. So, me and justice were already starting off on the wrong foot. I prepared myself for the day the right way: I ate frosted flakes and a slice of pizza. It was explained to me that there would probably be traffic and I'd have to get through security, so I left real early. Let me say, that 3 minutes or so of traffic really killed me. I end up at this god forsaken courthouse an hour early. There wasn't a single soul at the entrance. Thus, security consisted of me walking right through a metal detector. I thought "Wow, this is really going super great. I'm so early for this thing I hate. All the others are probably so jealous, in this fictional depiction of them and how they feel I'm creating." I just found a chair, in the lobby, and chilled for half an hour.
After I was done texting half the people I know, about my misery, I headed upstairs to room 318. Room 318 is pretty ominous. It almost sounds like a bad horror movie. And, when you're walking to it, it's quite distinctive...in that all the other doors look nice and room 318's door looks like it's where you would enter to check the pipes. The first area inside I believe would've been described as a sardine can. I found some of my fellow, salty, fishy, potential juror friends there. There was a leather couch...but no one was sitting on it. I found that peculiar. I guess those are the kind of people that get picked for a jury; people who would sit on a plastic chair, instead of a leather couch. Also, people who bring things to read read the worst stuff. I forgot to bring a book, so I was just sitting there and would continue to for longer than I'd like to talk about. However, I was entertained by looking at the hottest girl in the history of jury duty. Things were looking up, when I saw her. Well, not my eyes really...but other things. I enjoyed watching this slacker try to chat her up and it going nowhere. Poor Kara Something Or Other. As I'm writing this, she's probably still at jury duty.
Anyway, we all got moved into the actual jury room. It was kind of big and filled with light but it still somehow had a claustrophobic feel about it. I sat behind said slacker and Kara. By the way, she smelled just incredible. I don't mean to harp on the hot girl but it really stuck out to me how amazing she smelled. She was like a field of fruit trees and wildflowers. There really was an interesting cross section of people there, at any rate. One kid wore shorts, despite the repeated reminders through every step of the process that you couldn't wear shorts. So, the idiot population was well represented. If you wear shorts and a backpack to court, you should really just go to jail, no matter the situation. After a while, there was a murderer there too. Oops, I mean...a guy that's innocent until proven guilty, looked perfectly nice, and didn't shoot anyone, to the best of my knowledge.
A woman came in the room, after a brief period. Then, a judge, who basically reiterated the same stuff the woman said. Then, we got to fill out a questionnaire about our experiences and feelings on certain things. It combined all the tediousness of paperwork with all the excitement of talking to a pencil sharpener. At the bottom, you had to give your signature and swear it was all true and it said they could prosecute you for false answers. I thought that was strange since most of the questions were about my thoughts. Apparently, Minority Report is coming true. I hope I can get one of those cool, bald girls that see the future.
The lawyers for that first homocide trial came up and they were selecting 35 names, at random, to pick the jury from. There was a close call cause another guy named Anthony was there and I had a slight heart attack when they said his name. But I made it through. All of us unwanted folks, went over to the lounge. I sat there for an hour and a half; I ate a snickers bar cause I thought I would be there a while and that's what I heard snickers are for(verdict: I'm not sure snickers are actually for anything); I read an article about Sarah Palin and thought about how dumb her kids' names are; I listened to an old woman talking to another old woman about being on a boat and how her daughter performs dances with a poodle. I really really wish I could remember the website she said that had videos of that. Like I really really wish. Real hard. And I wish that that took place on a boat.
After that hour and a half, it seemed like time for lunch. The lady in charge said all the people who's names were called could go to lunch and everyone else needed to stay. We were hungry and upset. But when we sat down, she told us that the rest of the cases were cancelled and we could go home. A couple of people literally yelled out in excitement. I couldn't believe it. I was spared. I donated my 9 dollar salary to some sick kids or poor kids or something and was on my way, the undisputed champion of court.
In the morning, when I was walking into the courthouse, it was gloomy and storming and when I left, the sun was shining and a comfortable breeze was flowing through the city. Forget all the other junk I just wrote. I think THAT pretty much sums up my day.
I woke up at 5:30, in the morning. This, mind you, is the time I usually go to sleep. So, me and justice were already starting off on the wrong foot. I prepared myself for the day the right way: I ate frosted flakes and a slice of pizza. It was explained to me that there would probably be traffic and I'd have to get through security, so I left real early. Let me say, that 3 minutes or so of traffic really killed me. I end up at this god forsaken courthouse an hour early. There wasn't a single soul at the entrance. Thus, security consisted of me walking right through a metal detector. I thought "Wow, this is really going super great. I'm so early for this thing I hate. All the others are probably so jealous, in this fictional depiction of them and how they feel I'm creating." I just found a chair, in the lobby, and chilled for half an hour.
After I was done texting half the people I know, about my misery, I headed upstairs to room 318. Room 318 is pretty ominous. It almost sounds like a bad horror movie. And, when you're walking to it, it's quite distinctive...in that all the other doors look nice and room 318's door looks like it's where you would enter to check the pipes. The first area inside I believe would've been described as a sardine can. I found some of my fellow, salty, fishy, potential juror friends there. There was a leather couch...but no one was sitting on it. I found that peculiar. I guess those are the kind of people that get picked for a jury; people who would sit on a plastic chair, instead of a leather couch. Also, people who bring things to read read the worst stuff. I forgot to bring a book, so I was just sitting there and would continue to for longer than I'd like to talk about. However, I was entertained by looking at the hottest girl in the history of jury duty. Things were looking up, when I saw her. Well, not my eyes really...but other things. I enjoyed watching this slacker try to chat her up and it going nowhere. Poor Kara Something Or Other. As I'm writing this, she's probably still at jury duty.
Anyway, we all got moved into the actual jury room. It was kind of big and filled with light but it still somehow had a claustrophobic feel about it. I sat behind said slacker and Kara. By the way, she smelled just incredible. I don't mean to harp on the hot girl but it really stuck out to me how amazing she smelled. She was like a field of fruit trees and wildflowers. There really was an interesting cross section of people there, at any rate. One kid wore shorts, despite the repeated reminders through every step of the process that you couldn't wear shorts. So, the idiot population was well represented. If you wear shorts and a backpack to court, you should really just go to jail, no matter the situation. After a while, there was a murderer there too. Oops, I mean...a guy that's innocent until proven guilty, looked perfectly nice, and didn't shoot anyone, to the best of my knowledge.
A woman came in the room, after a brief period. Then, a judge, who basically reiterated the same stuff the woman said. Then, we got to fill out a questionnaire about our experiences and feelings on certain things. It combined all the tediousness of paperwork with all the excitement of talking to a pencil sharpener. At the bottom, you had to give your signature and swear it was all true and it said they could prosecute you for false answers. I thought that was strange since most of the questions were about my thoughts. Apparently, Minority Report is coming true. I hope I can get one of those cool, bald girls that see the future.
The lawyers for that first homocide trial came up and they were selecting 35 names, at random, to pick the jury from. There was a close call cause another guy named Anthony was there and I had a slight heart attack when they said his name. But I made it through. All of us unwanted folks, went over to the lounge. I sat there for an hour and a half; I ate a snickers bar cause I thought I would be there a while and that's what I heard snickers are for(verdict: I'm not sure snickers are actually for anything); I read an article about Sarah Palin and thought about how dumb her kids' names are; I listened to an old woman talking to another old woman about being on a boat and how her daughter performs dances with a poodle. I really really wish I could remember the website she said that had videos of that. Like I really really wish. Real hard. And I wish that that took place on a boat.
After that hour and a half, it seemed like time for lunch. The lady in charge said all the people who's names were called could go to lunch and everyone else needed to stay. We were hungry and upset. But when we sat down, she told us that the rest of the cases were cancelled and we could go home. A couple of people literally yelled out in excitement. I couldn't believe it. I was spared. I donated my 9 dollar salary to some sick kids or poor kids or something and was on my way, the undisputed champion of court.
In the morning, when I was walking into the courthouse, it was gloomy and storming and when I left, the sun was shining and a comfortable breeze was flowing through the city. Forget all the other junk I just wrote. I think THAT pretty much sums up my day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
