The Bible: Revised

Recently, it's been discovered that when all those folks got together to write The Bible they had gotten blasted on Miller High Life and Jonah may have brought a fair amount of ecstasy and possibly some mescaline. So, in an attempt to enlighten people with the truth, I will be rewriting the stories as they happened, before those party animals had their say. Some stories weren't actual events at all but metaphors for inside jokes or gossip they had heard. For instance, Moses "talking to a burning bush" meant that he got syphilis, from a cheap hooker. In a state of delirium, he thought he was talking to God. But the first thing I am going to tackle is the story of Noah and the flood.

First of all, Noah himself told this story and he was a known exaggerator. He was also a sailing enthusiast and a narcissist and wanted everyone to know he made the best boats, which was a lie....he really wasn't that good. What it was, actually...there was this girl...her name was Candy and Noah was trying to show off, he wanted to impress her. He had gotten tired of his wife and Candy caught his eye. She was the daughter of a herdsman, with a wild streak. One summer break, she went to Cancun and got a dragon tattoo on the side of her ribcage.

Anyway, what really happened was it only rained for like 4 days. There was a flood but hardly anyone died. Maybe like 3 people. The only confirmed death was a guy named Vladimir Jackson. (Consequently, the town created the drink The Black Russian, in his honor.) But Noah built a pontoon boat and got his family on it. While they were getting ready two dogs jumped on board. That's where the animal thing, came into play. They were big ass dogs but I don't know how anyone could've believed there were any buffalo on there. That was all a bunch of bullshit. Do you know how many kinds of animals there are? And, where was he gonna get an alligator, in the middle east, let alone two? And, why would an alligator even need to get on a boat? And, there was no rainbow over a mountain or anything either. The writers added that later to go with the whole God theme of the book. So, anyway, Noah, his family, and two stray dogs sailed around for a few days, grilling burgers and drinking and he made up some other stuff to try and cheat on his wife. He was unsuccessful(Candy had jungle fever) but people seemed to like the story.

Oh, and another thing, they said Noah was like 600 years old. I don't know what they were on then. That's just ridiculous, right? He was 52.

Thanks for reading. Join me next time, when I: Debunk the story of Adam and Eve, explain just how hot Mary Magdalene was, and anger christians to a point where they might spontaneously combust.