It Is What It Is, Baby

I feel like I need to warn you of something. My friendship is not unconditional. There is one big rule. If you want to continue being my friend, don't have a baby. That's not a part of the plan, ok? I'm not trying to go hang out some place where there's a baby; they cry, they do disgusting things, they interrupt our conversation, their asses challenge your senses to fights, they're fucking assholes. "Oh, he doesn't know any better", I hear you saying, in the future. Well, who cares? What he feels about what he's doing is irrelevant. He's just a stupid baby. That's why I blame you, for bringing him home. I believe they call that irreconcilable differences. You don't mind being annoyed constantly and I am against it. It's ok. We can agree to disagree...but don't expect me to be coming over for stew anytime soon.

We can hang out again, at some point. I'll say once the kid is like 14 years old. So, you'll get some time to think about what you've done and realize I was right. If you have any more kids, in the meantime, that could complicate things. You might never see me, for the rest of your life. I'm just saying, keep me in mind when you're getting down.

Another problem with having babies is inevitably you become the asshole. The kids start off as the assholes but, at some point, you become the mom or dad that embarrasses and annoys your child so much they entertain thoughts about what a bottle of sleeping pills tastes like. And, watching that, as an outsider, is as difficult as dealing with a baby. Seeing someone who was your friend think they're being cool and making a jackass out of themselves in front of children....it's just heartbreaking. Go ahead, say "That won't be me. Me and my kids will be pals". You're halfway to disaster, friend. The only way to be pals with your kids is to smoke weed with them. And then, they'll just turn out to be mentally defective deadbeats.

So, in conclusion, having a baby not only ruins your life and our friendship but, more than likely, it will ruin the baby's life before it's ever born. I mean...we're friends....do you think someone who's friends with me would be a fit parent? It's laughable really. Just smarten up and leave those eggs unfertilized. I will throw you an enjoyment of living shower.