Things I Learned From The Movies (First Edition)

This is exactly what it sounds like. I haven't made a list in quite a while. So, here's a list. Some of the best advice/info I ever got.


Things I Learned From The Movies



1. Never know too much about nefarious activites. You'll probably end up dead.

2. Sometimes, you're too old for this shit.

3. If someone does you wrong, don't yell at them. Do something crazy like kiss them. It'll scare them a lot more.

4. When you're kung fu fighting people in an open area, it's inevitable that doves will show up. Embrace it.

5. Love always works out, in the end.

6. Love never works out, in the end.

7. French people are weird.

8. Doing a shitload of cocaine has never been good for anyone.

9. It is a wonderful life.

10. Hitmen are great at babysitting.

11. I learned all about shrimp. Shrimp is the fruit of the sea.

12. In space, the other people who are being murdered by aliens can often hear you scream. But no one else.

13. The Holocaust was shitty.

14. Jewish people don't bowl on saturday.


15. If you run on the beach, in short shorts and tight tank tops, with your good black friend and then embrace him, in the water, you will become a better boxer.


16. If you're a cop but you don't have a buddy, it won't be fun at all.


17. Racism is shitty.


18. It's perfectly normal to burst into song, at any time.


19. People love twists. You should trick everyone you know, for a long time.


20. You can kill a pimp and get away with it.


21. War is dumb. Nothing ever happens...unless it does...and then you probably get shot in the face.


22. Always die hard. If you die easy, there's no point in living free.


23. If someone wants to take you to a creepy, deserted place, you probably shouldn't go.

24. The best weapon against hillbilly rapists is a samurai sword.

25. The janitor, at a college, is probably smarter than all the students there.

Some Bull

We're right in the middle of awards season. I've been seeing a lot of movies. I like to think of myself as pretty knowledgeable on the topic. I love movies. Thinking about them...I want to talk about a certain kind of person that I hate. People who say good movies are terrible for reasons that have nothing to do with filmmaking or anything anyone else would care about. They think the movie has some kind of agenda, like the movie thinks it's too good for them, or they think certain types of characters don't feel real, like they could never exist in all of the world, like they've never met a fucking person who was different. I also once read a review of a movie that said it's whimsy felt forced. What does that even mean? It's a movie. It's fake whimsy to begin with. A movie is a singular story. The people in it aren't trying to represent you. If you think they are, then you are an insane person. I saw a critic put Up In The Air on his worst of the year list cause he said it had "bad politics". First, it's not really about politics at all. Second, who the fuck cares what you think about it's politics? Your dumb opinion has nothing to do with whether or not it was a well made movie. I also read some bitch say that The Hangover was "mean". Mean to whom? What the fuck are you talking about?

It's like people just want to hate something cause people who know something about movies like it. Their anti-elitism becomes an even more perverse form of elitism. They think they're better than people who like oscar winners cause they think those people think they're better than them. That's way too much sociological thinking over some goddamn movies. That's not to say I like people who hate on summer blockbusters and ridiculous movies either really. Just like politics and every other thing, people will pick a side like a fucking moron. Give it a rest. Stop using movies as a measuring stick of how great a person you are. Just watch a movie like you're a kid again, like you're just watching a movie...and enjoy it or don't enjoy it, or have mixed feelings about it, based on things like performance....and pretty pictures...and music....and stop pissing me off.

Thank you for your time. I'm sure no one really cared about this, yet you read it all anyway. What a nice person you are. P.S. Crank 2: High Voltage was the best picture of the year.