Sunday, May 24, 2009
Dear God
If I was meeting a girl, for the first time, and, before I shook her hand, I put ribbed condoms on all of my fingers, do you think she would say "It's my pleasure."?
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thing I Got From Kathleen, Who Got It From Michelle. Reliable Sources Say That "Michelle Is Amazing!".
What is your current obsession? Hockey Playoffs. When it's playoff time, I watch like every game, no matter who is playing. The fever has taken over my life.
What is your weirdest obsession? I have this OCD thing about bathrooms. Or my love of waitresses.
What are you wearing today? White Hard Rock T-Shirt, Jeans, Black Telecaster Hoodie I wear like everyday.
What’s for dinner today? Spaghetti. Bruce Springsteen.
What are you looking forward to today? Bruce Springsteen. He will tell me all about the glory days and thunder roads and make me feel like I too was born to run.
What would you like to learn to do? Build a death-laser. Maybe play the piano.
What’s the last thing you bought? Uh....a burger and fries. Haha. I haven't bought anything legitimate in a long time.
What are you listening to right now? "The Seldom Seen Kid" By: Elbow. It has that badass song from Burn After Reading on it. The rest of it is sweet too.
What is your favorite weather? Raining Blood. Clearly. I also like Tsunamis cause they have a cool name and whenever it's like 70 and partly cloudy.
What is your most challenging goal right now? To start my life as a real human being.
What do you think about the person who tagged you? Kathleen? I think the world of Kathleen. She's incredible! As far as I'm concerned, she is the reason the internet exists.
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? This is a rough one for me. I like Spain, Portugal, the south of France, that whole western european area. New York and Austin seem amazing and Canada is nice all over.
What would you like to have in your hands right now? Lots and lots of money. Is there another answer to this? A genie lamp?
If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? I would go to Los Angeles and thank Kathleen for this great survey. Ha.
Which language do you want to learn? Spanish. I always have. I took it in high school but my teachers were more concerned with yelling and being fools than showing me how to speak spanish so all I know is how to find a hooker, a parrot, or a hooker with a parrot.
What do you look for in a friend? Uh...not a douche. I guess there's no real rhyme or reason to my group of friends other than that. They just have to be kind of smart and not piss me off too much.
Who do you want to meet in person? Everybody. God. Not like I want to meet God, I was using God as an interjection. Right now? Charlie Kaufman.
What’s your favorite type of music? Good music. I was just listening to Iron and Wine. That guy is good. Have I ever told you how much I like him? Ask me. You'll get a speech about the brilliance of the Woman King EP. You'd probably get a speech about any musician though. Ha.
What’s the favorite piece of clothing in your own closet? I don't keep clothing in my closet. I use the doorknob to hold my Telecaster Hoodie that I had mentioned previously. So, that's pretty good.
What is your dream job? Writing and directing film. Also, making music.
Any favorite models? Obviously, Tyra. Ha, but for real, Paulina Porizkova because she is married to Ric Ocasek and he looks like a combination of a zombie and a turkey.
If you were given a pinata, what would you want it to be filled with? Blood Diamonds!
Favorite designers? I don't know. Marc Jacobs? I hear good things.
What’s your must have for the summer season? Lemonade.
Do you admire anyone’s style? Russell Brand. He is committed to looking ridiculous.
Describe your personal style? Lazy guy that wears old t-shirts and jeans that are not stylish at all. Needs help. Could be homeless. Actually, I have a pretty good sense of style. I just don't use it cause I'm the lazy guy.
What is one of your favorite books? Pimp: The Story Of My Life. People might laugh when I say that, but read it. It's a great book.
What is one of your favorite films? Almost Famous...the director's cut of it. It's like 3 hours long but I didn't want it to end. "And you can tell Rolling Stone Magazine my last words were....I'm on drugs!!"
Who is your favorite comedian/comedic actor? Right now, I will say Dave Chappelle.
The rules:1. Respond and rework: answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.
2. Tag eight other people. I don't know 8 people that read my blog. Matt. Do it. maybe you'll be better at it than commenting.
What is your weirdest obsession? I have this OCD thing about bathrooms. Or my love of waitresses.
What are you wearing today? White Hard Rock T-Shirt, Jeans, Black Telecaster Hoodie I wear like everyday.
What’s for dinner today? Spaghetti. Bruce Springsteen.
What are you looking forward to today? Bruce Springsteen. He will tell me all about the glory days and thunder roads and make me feel like I too was born to run.
What would you like to learn to do? Build a death-laser. Maybe play the piano.
What’s the last thing you bought? Uh....a burger and fries. Haha. I haven't bought anything legitimate in a long time.
What are you listening to right now? "The Seldom Seen Kid" By: Elbow. It has that badass song from Burn After Reading on it. The rest of it is sweet too.
What is your favorite weather? Raining Blood. Clearly. I also like Tsunamis cause they have a cool name and whenever it's like 70 and partly cloudy.
What is your most challenging goal right now? To start my life as a real human being.
What do you think about the person who tagged you? Kathleen? I think the world of Kathleen. She's incredible! As far as I'm concerned, she is the reason the internet exists.
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? This is a rough one for me. I like Spain, Portugal, the south of France, that whole western european area. New York and Austin seem amazing and Canada is nice all over.
What would you like to have in your hands right now? Lots and lots of money. Is there another answer to this? A genie lamp?
If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? I would go to Los Angeles and thank Kathleen for this great survey. Ha.
Which language do you want to learn? Spanish. I always have. I took it in high school but my teachers were more concerned with yelling and being fools than showing me how to speak spanish so all I know is how to find a hooker, a parrot, or a hooker with a parrot.
What do you look for in a friend? Uh...not a douche. I guess there's no real rhyme or reason to my group of friends other than that. They just have to be kind of smart and not piss me off too much.
Who do you want to meet in person? Everybody. God. Not like I want to meet God, I was using God as an interjection. Right now? Charlie Kaufman.
What’s your favorite type of music? Good music. I was just listening to Iron and Wine. That guy is good. Have I ever told you how much I like him? Ask me. You'll get a speech about the brilliance of the Woman King EP. You'd probably get a speech about any musician though. Ha.
What’s the favorite piece of clothing in your own closet? I don't keep clothing in my closet. I use the doorknob to hold my Telecaster Hoodie that I had mentioned previously. So, that's pretty good.
What is your dream job? Writing and directing film. Also, making music.
Any favorite models? Obviously, Tyra. Ha, but for real, Paulina Porizkova because she is married to Ric Ocasek and he looks like a combination of a zombie and a turkey.
If you were given a pinata, what would you want it to be filled with? Blood Diamonds!
Favorite designers? I don't know. Marc Jacobs? I hear good things.
What’s your must have for the summer season? Lemonade.
Do you admire anyone’s style? Russell Brand. He is committed to looking ridiculous.
Describe your personal style? Lazy guy that wears old t-shirts and jeans that are not stylish at all. Needs help. Could be homeless. Actually, I have a pretty good sense of style. I just don't use it cause I'm the lazy guy.
What is one of your favorite books? Pimp: The Story Of My Life. People might laugh when I say that, but read it. It's a great book.
What is one of your favorite films? Almost Famous...the director's cut of it. It's like 3 hours long but I didn't want it to end. "And you can tell Rolling Stone Magazine my last words were....I'm on drugs!!"
Who is your favorite comedian/comedic actor? Right now, I will say Dave Chappelle.
The rules:1. Respond and rework: answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.
2. Tag eight other people. I don't know 8 people that read my blog. Matt. Do it. maybe you'll be better at it than commenting.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The Public Has Not Spoken
Ok, so, just to refresh your memory about what's going on here; in the last post, I wanted you, the readers, to decide what my new list would be about. I left it up to the people to vote for a topic. There were 4 choices; A-D. In the ensuing 3 comments, I got votes for "Not B", "Either A or C", and "C, if you're ready to do that one, or B, but really I want to hear about VH1 Celebreality.". We've learned a valuable lesson here. You are fools. You somehow figured out how to break an idea. But I guess the general "consensus" and the one I've decided to do, whether you like it or not, is C: Things That I Think About When I Masturbate. So, without further ado, here is that same list I just spoke of.
Things That I Think About When I Masturbate
3. The People Who Read My Blog. They are the hottest group of people I have ever pandered to.
4. David Duchovny. Self-explanatory. Obviously.
5. European Architecture.
6. The Record Collections Of Contemporary Porn Stars. Way more interesting than their films. They like Joy Division and Sonic Youth. Pretentious porn stars. So ironic.
8. Michelle Obama. I mean she's America's Sleeveless Sweetheart. But I must note that when I do this I hold my hand over my heart and sing the national anthem....out of respect.
9. "Flight Of The Bumblebee" by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. Well, that one time friction set my crotch on fire.
10. The Future. The future, Conan? That's right, Mr. T; all the way to the year 2000. By that, I, of course, mean the children....but in a time they haven't lived in yet. It's all very sci-fi and ahead of it's touching yourself time.
11. Uh....this is harder than I thought. Haha...harder than I thought. Uh...Titties.
12. Myself. Cause I feel like I could be "The One", if I just get to know myself better.
13. Giant, Far Away Waterfalls. It just seems appropriate. Note: this thought also works if you're having trouble peeing or if you hate your job.
14. Tennis. Beautiful game.
15. Things On My To-Do List. You know, life doesn't stop for your penis. I'm not some kind of irresponsible freak, right? Right.
16. Good Grammar. So hot.
17. My mind's tellin' me NO!! But my BODY........my BODY's tellin'me YES!!!
18. Terrible Looking Middle-Aged Women At Wal-Mart With Like 7 Kids. Now, you might say something like "Ew, Anthony, that's real nasty.". I would say "Exactly, darling.". Sometimes I need to calm myself and slow it down. The wang is not a powertool, friends. A lot of people say they "beat their dicks" but I don't like that. A little tenderness and romance never hurt a relationship.
19. How I Should Go To Sleep After This. Yeah, sleep....that would be nice.
20. The Old Guy That Was Walking Around My Neighborhood Selling Discount Subscriptions To The Newspaper. I think of that guy and how good I feel that my life hasn't become that depressing yet. I mean what's the commission on that? Like a nickel?
21. That Time I Was At Magee Women's Hospital. What a great place to pick up chicks. Then, I think about how I think calling women "chicks" is funny. I mean think about it. "I need to take my wife to the chick hospital today."
22. Should I Get A Twitter? I don't know. It seems dumb. "What are you doing right now?". Do I have to tweet "masturbating"? I wonder. What's to keep me from lying?
23. The Grand Slamwich. It's basically the best sandwich ever. But no mayo. Who wants mayo on their breakfast? And, thinking about mayo during autoerotic activities? That's weird. Just think about the meat.
24. A lot of times my mind will just wander and I'll think of different wonders of the world; UFOs, The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Ron Howard's really hot daughter......Where do they all come from? Can they really be real? It's hard to say.
25. Halle Berry. She's fine. Haha, silly popular rap music. Usually, my masturbation has a more ethereal indie-folk sensibility but sometimes you are so right.
Things That I Think About When I Masturbate
1. Polar Bears.
2. The Next Karate Kid. The sexual tension between Pat Morita and Hilary Swank is incredible.
3. The People Who Read My Blog. They are the hottest group of people I have ever pandered to.
4. David Duchovny. Self-explanatory. Obviously.
5. European Architecture.
6. The Record Collections Of Contemporary Porn Stars. Way more interesting than their films. They like Joy Division and Sonic Youth. Pretentious porn stars. So ironic.
7. Irony.
8. Michelle Obama. I mean she's America's Sleeveless Sweetheart. But I must note that when I do this I hold my hand over my heart and sing the national anthem....out of respect.
9. "Flight Of The Bumblebee" by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. Well, that one time friction set my crotch on fire.
10. The Future. The future, Conan? That's right, Mr. T; all the way to the year 2000. By that, I, of course, mean the children....but in a time they haven't lived in yet. It's all very sci-fi and ahead of it's touching yourself time.
11. Uh....this is harder than I thought. Haha...harder than I thought. Uh...Titties.
12. Myself. Cause I feel like I could be "The One", if I just get to know myself better.
13. Giant, Far Away Waterfalls. It just seems appropriate. Note: this thought also works if you're having trouble peeing or if you hate your job.
14. Tennis. Beautiful game.
15. Things On My To-Do List. You know, life doesn't stop for your penis. I'm not some kind of irresponsible freak, right? Right.
16. Good Grammar. So hot.
17. My mind's tellin' me NO!! But my BODY........my BODY's tellin'me YES!!!
18. Terrible Looking Middle-Aged Women At Wal-Mart With Like 7 Kids. Now, you might say something like "Ew, Anthony, that's real nasty.". I would say "Exactly, darling.". Sometimes I need to calm myself and slow it down. The wang is not a powertool, friends. A lot of people say they "beat their dicks" but I don't like that. A little tenderness and romance never hurt a relationship.
19. How I Should Go To Sleep After This. Yeah, sleep....that would be nice.
20. The Old Guy That Was Walking Around My Neighborhood Selling Discount Subscriptions To The Newspaper. I think of that guy and how good I feel that my life hasn't become that depressing yet. I mean what's the commission on that? Like a nickel?
21. That Time I Was At Magee Women's Hospital. What a great place to pick up chicks. Then, I think about how I think calling women "chicks" is funny. I mean think about it. "I need to take my wife to the chick hospital today."
22. Should I Get A Twitter? I don't know. It seems dumb. "What are you doing right now?". Do I have to tweet "masturbating"? I wonder. What's to keep me from lying?
23. The Grand Slamwich. It's basically the best sandwich ever. But no mayo. Who wants mayo on their breakfast? And, thinking about mayo during autoerotic activities? That's weird. Just think about the meat.
24. A lot of times my mind will just wander and I'll think of different wonders of the world; UFOs, The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Ron Howard's really hot daughter......Where do they all come from? Can they really be real? It's hard to say.
25. Halle Berry. She's fine. Haha, silly popular rap music. Usually, my masturbation has a more ethereal indie-folk sensibility but sometimes you are so right.
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