The Public Has Not Spoken

Ok, so, just to refresh your memory about what's going on here; in the last post, I wanted you, the readers, to decide what my new list would be about. I left it up to the people to vote for a topic. There were 4 choices; A-D. In the ensuing 3 comments, I got votes for "Not B", "Either A or C", and "C, if you're ready to do that one, or B, but really I want to hear about VH1 Celebreality.". We've learned a valuable lesson here. You are fools. You somehow figured out how to break an idea. But I guess the general "consensus" and the one I've decided to do, whether you like it or not, is C: Things That I Think About When I Masturbate. So, without further ado, here is that same list I just spoke of.


Things That I Think About When I Masturbate

1. Polar Bears.

2. The Next Karate Kid. The sexual tension between Pat Morita and Hilary Swank is incredible.

3. The People Who Read My Blog. They are the hottest group of people I have ever pandered to.


4. David Duchovny. Self-explanatory. Obviously.


5. European Architecture.


6. The Record Collections Of Contemporary Porn Stars. Way more interesting than their films. They like Joy Division and Sonic Youth. Pretentious porn stars. So ironic.

7. Irony.

8. Michelle Obama. I mean she's America's Sleeveless Sweetheart. But I must note that when I do this I hold my hand over my heart and sing the national anthem....out of respect.


9. "Flight Of The Bumblebee" by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. Well, that one time friction set my crotch on fire.


10. The Future. The future, Conan? That's right, Mr. T; all the way to the year 2000. By that, I, of course, mean the children....but in a time they haven't lived in yet. It's all very sci-fi and ahead of it's touching yourself time.


11. Uh....this is harder than I thought. Haha...harder than I thought. Uh...Titties.


12. Myself. Cause I feel like I could be "The One", if I just get to know myself better.


13. Giant, Far Away Waterfalls. It just seems appropriate. Note: this thought also works if you're having trouble peeing or if you hate your job.


14. Tennis. Beautiful game.


15. Things On My To-Do List. You know, life doesn't stop for your penis. I'm not some kind of irresponsible freak, right? Right.


16. Good Grammar. So hot.


17. My mind's tellin' me NO!! But my BODY........my BODY's tellin'me YES!!!


18. Terrible Looking Middle-Aged Women At Wal-Mart With Like 7 Kids. Now, you might say something like "Ew, Anthony, that's real nasty.". I would say "Exactly, darling.". Sometimes I need to calm myself and slow it down. The wang is not a powertool, friends. A lot of people say they "beat their dicks" but I don't like that. A little tenderness and romance never hurt a relationship.


19. How I Should Go To Sleep After This. Yeah, sleep....that would be nice.


20. The Old Guy That Was Walking Around My Neighborhood Selling Discount Subscriptions To The Newspaper. I think of that guy and how good I feel that my life hasn't become that depressing yet. I mean what's the commission on that? Like a nickel?


21. That Time I Was At Magee Women's Hospital. What a great place to pick up chicks. Then, I think about how I think calling women "chicks" is funny. I mean think about it. "I need to take my wife to the chick hospital today."


22. Should I Get A Twitter? I don't know. It seems dumb. "What are you doing right now?". Do I have to tweet "masturbating"? I wonder. What's to keep me from lying?


23. The Grand Slamwich. It's basically the best sandwich ever. But no mayo. Who wants mayo on their breakfast? And, thinking about mayo during autoerotic activities? That's weird. Just think about the meat.



24. A lot of times my mind will just wander and I'll think of different wonders of the world; UFOs, The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Ron Howard's really hot daughter......Where do they all come from? Can they really be real? It's hard to say.


25. Halle Berry. She's fine. Haha, silly popular rap music. Usually, my masturbation has a more ethereal indie-folk sensibility but sometimes you are so right.