Something Fun I Learned Today

In America, sea turtles have universal healthcare and I do not. Isn't that fun?

Anyone wanna help me make a human sized shell? I will let you drive my boat that I will buy in the future to match the shoes that I will buy in the future. That sounds like a hypothetical deal to me. Hypothetically, I don't see how you could refuse. Parenthetically, (I was just told that peeing on a regular retriever to make it golden would be wrong. I say it's more of a moral gray area and an all around clever concept.)

You Are What You Eat, If What You Eat Is A Fool

Listen, hot roast beef sandwich, I have some things I want to say to you. You are not a sandwich. If I have to eat you with a knife and fork, you are not a sandwich. If your bread is covered in exorbitant amounts of gravy so that it doesn't even stay in tact and I have a plate of roast beef and mush, sir, a sandwich you do not make. Who wants to eat that much gravy? I could have filled up a swimming pool and let the neighborhood children swim in this gravy, hot roast beef sandwich. You are a lie and a disgrace to the sandwich arts. Whoever named you should be brought up on charges. And, I see your buddy, hot turkey sandwich, over there too. You tell him I said to suck it. You're fucking fraudulent. Whenever Arby's makes more sense than you, you need to rethink what you're doing with yourself. They have a roast beef sandwich there. And guess what? It's fucking hot, when you pick it up with your hands. Bam! Sandwich. I'll wait a second, if you want to get a pen and pad and write these notes down. I would suggest it.

Maybe you could get a legal name change to like B. R. B. Gravy. It's classy, it rhymes, it explains what you are, I don't think you're gonna do much better. Maybe you could change your name to Zac. You're kind of like the Zac of sandwiches. I've never met or heard of a Zac I thought was cool. I don't think it exists. You need both a c and k/or h at the end of Zack or it throws a monkey wrench into the whole works of the Zack personality. It's like if I took away your gravy. Then, you would be a goddamned sandwich! What a preposterous scenario! Jackass. And, don't text me anymore. It's getting tiresome. Alright, we're through here.

Cool Hand Tibbs Is My Hero!!

Ok, so, I have an idea! What we do is wait until Sidney Poitier dies......and then we combine him with Paul Newman into a reanimated Sidaul Poitiman.......and it will be the most charismatic zombie of all time........and horror movies will instantly become ten times more enjoyable. A zombie with a range like that....just think of the possibilities! Your brains would never be the same!

I should obviously run Hollywood. They've never come up with anything as good as that. Who's starring in their movies? Julia Roberts? No match for a combination Audrey/Katharine Hepburn. That's twice as much Hepburn as you need to be better than Julia Roberts.

Bonus idea: THC is a thing of the past. Smoke some THX and then you will be able to hear in digital surround sound. Totally dude.

Short Letters: Celebrity Edition

Before I begin, I will say that I do know that it is strange to have a new edition of a premise before you ever actually did the original premise. This blog is groundbreaking. Deal with it, sucka. Normal short letters will be coming soon. Then, I would suppose some kind of Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay produced, bullet-riddled, exploding house reimagining will follow.

Dear Jonas Brothers,

Listening to you is like cutting through my testicles with a spoon. Also, you all kind of look like muppets....creepy muppets that were never allowed on the show, cause you weirded out Rowlf.

Your Friend,
Anthony


Dear Jennifer Aniston,

Everyone is tired of you. You can take all the naked pictures and date all the John Mayers you want. You are still painfully lame and you can no longer stand next to David Schwimmer to make yourself seem interesting.

Love,
Anthony


Dear Michael Jackson,

Please build a time machine and kill yourelf in 1991. It would be best for everyone. Also, I'm kind of busy. If you could change the name and pass this on to O.J. Simpson, that would be great. Thanks.

Your #1 Fan,
Anthony


Dear Coolio,

I just read that you were arrested for having crack at the airport. Who brings their crack to the airport? Didn't that seem like a bad idea? Why didn't you just have your kids hold onto it or something?

An Interested Fan,
Anthony


Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Is a girl going out with you cause you got so skinny that you look like a fake penis? Also, fyi, I read the reasons you gave for why you're so thin. "Traveling and working a lot" is not a good code for excessive cocaine intake. It's so transparent.

Guy Who Bet That You Would Die,
Anthony


Dear Rihanna and Chris Brown,

What's your deal? Honestly. Who gets beat up by Chris Brown? And who bites a girl? In my mind, this sounds like you were taking part in some kind of greased retard battle royale. You should both go to jail.

The Prosecution,
Anthony


Dear Bridget From Girls Next Door,

I keep seeing ads for your new Travel Channel show. You have gone from wearing very little clothing on tv in just one place to wearing very little clothing on tv all over the world. Your skills know no bounds, there are no heights to which your almost naked body can not soar. I'm proud of you.

Boy Next Door...To Some Weird Guy Who's Probably Building A Bomb,
Anthony


Dear Miley Cyrus,

I am told you are very young. I would like to be your next inappropriately older boyfriend. Since I have a beard, you would look older cause there would be some hair on your vagina.

Next In Line,
Anthony

Did that one go too far? It may very well have gone too far.

Who The Fuck Wrote This Show? Jimmy Fallon?

So, here I sit, all hopped up on apple cider, little debbie's fudge rounds, and the hit singles of The Cult, reflecting on the first episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I have to say I was biased, from the start. I've never really liked Jimmy Fallon and thought this was a bad idea. However, given the guests he booked and the oppurtunity he was given to not suck, the way that he sucked is all the more disturbing and, in it's way, kind of impressive.

In the opening, Conan O'Brien says he doesn't want to go out to the audience and watch the show cause he's really got to get to packing up a box. I think that tells you all you really need to know.

The first thing I don't understand is that The Roots are his house band. I don't know if this is permanent. Well, after last night, I wouldn't be surprised if they cancelled the show today. But I don't know why Questlove and crew would subject themselves to such a thing. They are gods of hip-hop. This is so beneath them, it's insane. Black Thought singing to the news, saying "She added an amendment!" was probably the highlight of the show though.

Jimmy Fallon told some lame jokes, there was a terrible package about demographics, and then he started a segment where they play a "game". The "game" consisted of bringing 3 audience members down to the stage, having them lick something, and giving them ten dollars. It's way less interesting than you think. That's probably cause you can think of something to lick that isn't a photo copier. How about my ass, Jimmy Fallon? I have ten dollars just for you.

Now, let's talk about the guests. The lineup was Robert DeNiro, Justin Timberlake, and musical guest Van Morrison. I don't think Conan ever had such a good night of guests in 16 years. This leads me to what the biggest problem with the show is. Before given a talk show, apparently no one checked if Jimmy Fallon actually had the ability to talk to people. He stuttered, stumbled, rambled about himself, interrupted DeNiro on numerous occasions, and generally asked questions that seemed to be written by a lazy baby.

The Timberlake interview was basically all about how they did The Barry Gibb talk show together on SNL and how that was a lot of fun. It was like when two of your friends are talking about some supposedly great time they had with other people you don't know and you weren't there and it's totally not interesting to you or anyone else around and you wish they would either stop talking or be struck down by heat lightning. The only thing I got from that interview is that JT actually does a spot on Michael McDonald impression and that he would probably be a better host than Jimmy Fallon. Even the Michael McDonald impression was so esoteric that I don't think anyone cared except me though.

Van Morrison was alright. He's no spring chicken but it was ok.

The point is I hate Jimmy Fallon and his stupid face. If this is what we're gonna get, they might as well have let Carson Daly have the show. He's been a mediocre television host for years and years and that's better than sucking. Also, Jimmy Fallon's set looks stupid. I think they were trying to match it with his face.

Haha, ok, I'm done. I just wanted to rant. Oh, and congratulations to Craig Ferguson for now cornering the market at 12:30 am.

Someone please give me a late night talk show.