Short Letters: Celebrity Edition

Before I begin, I will say that I do know that it is strange to have a new edition of a premise before you ever actually did the original premise. This blog is groundbreaking. Deal with it, sucka. Normal short letters will be coming soon. Then, I would suppose some kind of Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay produced, bullet-riddled, exploding house reimagining will follow.

Dear Jonas Brothers,

Listening to you is like cutting through my testicles with a spoon. Also, you all kind of look like muppets....creepy muppets that were never allowed on the show, cause you weirded out Rowlf.

Your Friend,
Anthony


Dear Jennifer Aniston,

Everyone is tired of you. You can take all the naked pictures and date all the John Mayers you want. You are still painfully lame and you can no longer stand next to David Schwimmer to make yourself seem interesting.

Love,
Anthony


Dear Michael Jackson,

Please build a time machine and kill yourelf in 1991. It would be best for everyone. Also, I'm kind of busy. If you could change the name and pass this on to O.J. Simpson, that would be great. Thanks.

Your #1 Fan,
Anthony


Dear Coolio,

I just read that you were arrested for having crack at the airport. Who brings their crack to the airport? Didn't that seem like a bad idea? Why didn't you just have your kids hold onto it or something?

An Interested Fan,
Anthony


Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Is a girl going out with you cause you got so skinny that you look like a fake penis? Also, fyi, I read the reasons you gave for why you're so thin. "Traveling and working a lot" is not a good code for excessive cocaine intake. It's so transparent.

Guy Who Bet That You Would Die,
Anthony


Dear Rihanna and Chris Brown,

What's your deal? Honestly. Who gets beat up by Chris Brown? And who bites a girl? In my mind, this sounds like you were taking part in some kind of greased retard battle royale. You should both go to jail.

The Prosecution,
Anthony


Dear Bridget From Girls Next Door,

I keep seeing ads for your new Travel Channel show. You have gone from wearing very little clothing on tv in just one place to wearing very little clothing on tv all over the world. Your skills know no bounds, there are no heights to which your almost naked body can not soar. I'm proud of you.

Boy Next Door...To Some Weird Guy Who's Probably Building A Bomb,
Anthony


Dear Miley Cyrus,

I am told you are very young. I would like to be your next inappropriately older boyfriend. Since I have a beard, you would look older cause there would be some hair on your vagina.

Next In Line,
Anthony

Did that one go too far? It may very well have gone too far.