Democracy At It's Finest

So, I think I should write a new blog. I kind of want to make a list of some sort, where I list things and give reasoning why they're on the list.

Do you, as blog readers, want me to make a list of

A) Things That I Want
B) Things That I Hate Right Now
C) Things That I Think About When I Masturbate
D) My Favorite Cartoons

Rock this vote, people. I don't want to sway you but I already have things prepared for C. I've been working on that list, as we speak. I'm just kidding.....Am I?......Maybe. Yeah, I am. "Wait, what does he mean by "I am"? Did he switch what he was talking about?". Alright, you guys make sure you're registered and get to work. I'll be thinking of you. ; )

Last Time I Checked

This week I've listened to nothing but Avant Garde Jazz and the music from The Wiz. I was contemplating combining the two into some sort of Avant Garde Jizz. It would be far out. Handling my jizz would be an ambitious undertaking for anyone. I would win the Down Beat reader's poll for Jizz of the Year. I haven't made this jizz, as of yet. I just need to lock myself in a room with a few other people and bang it out.

Now, Avant Garde Jazz and The Wiz, aside from being two things that have made me go insane, they are a part of another list, as well. That would be Things I Love About America. They are purely American inventions. No one else would be strange enough to make them and call them artistic endeavors. As much as I enjoy them, they are, in a way, kind of just excuses to be ridiculous. But people made money off of them and that's the American way.

However, for all of these great things that have happened in America, there has to be a counterbalance. So, last week, I'm just minding my own business and, in the mail, comes a letter for me and it is telling me that I have to renew my driver's license. So, apparently, I am to ruin my day and go out of my way to the DMV and pay them.....pay them?....I'm supposed to pay them 30 dollars for this "service". Who invented this system? The devil. That's who.

What exactly is wrong with my license every 4 years that I need a new one anyway? Is it going to explode? No, because I've known criminals driving with expired licenses. It stays the same. These are questions that no one really thinks about. They blindly accept them as "the way it is" and pay their 30 dollars and get their "service" right up their ass and they forget it and move on and then they're pissed whenever they have to do it again in another 4 years. And, another thing, they don't accept cash. Whatever happened to cash? Last time I checked, paper money was the accepted currency here. You can't even pay the people at the DMV either. You have to send them a check ahead of time. I don't have checks! Who do they think I am? Bill Gates? Last time I checked, this was America; land of the free, home of the kentucky fried chicken; life and liberty and all that jazz. Do you know what liberty means? "The freedom to think or act without being constrained by necessity or force". Apparently, there's not a dictionary at the DMV. I'm sick of this government stifling me. They want nothing more than to hold me back. I'm gonna become successful making jizz. And, then I can throw it right in their faces.

Short Letters

Dear Hot Asian Girls,

What's the deal with you and cars? Like if I put a honda with a hood scoop in my driveway, you seem genetically obligated to come sit on it. I've been trying to figure out this correlation for a long time. Let's get together and get to the bottom of this. We can go see Fast and Furious.

A Fan,
Anthony


Dear Canada,

You are wonderful. You made hockey. You put hockey on your money. I can't think of anything better to put on your money. I feel like I should draw hockey over Abraham Lincoln on my money. Then it would seem like it was worth more. Haha, oh, United States economy! Also, I believe that per capita you have the most beautiful women in the world and there are large parts of you where people don't even live. Your Niagara Falls are way better than ours and you nearly cornered the market on the majestic moose. So, good job all around. I'll even let you slide for Nickelback.

Love,
Anthony


Dear Fads That Sweep The Globe,

Stop happening. I swear to god. You don't know how much you bother me. Why does every person in the world wear a middle eastern scarf now? Why are glittery vampires teenage girls' favorite thing? I thought you would have retired after the success of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" but no, you never stop. Go jump off a bridge. Wait....don't....cause then everyone will and that's all my mom needs is an oppurtunity to ask about what I'm gonna do since everyone jumped off a bridge. I can't win. I hate you.

Fuck Me,
Anthony


Dear Guy Going Door To Door Trying To Sell Discounted Newspaper Subscriptions To Me Today,

What did you do to deserve this fate? Whatever it was, you'd be better off if you were a child molester cause then, at least, you would be able to kill two birds with one stone.

Sad For Where Your Life Ended Up,
Anthony


Dear Overtly Gay Waiter Named BeeJay,

I'm sorry I laugh about you. I have to. I was just raised wrong, that's all. Your name is a sex joke. What did your parents expect from me? A Beejay serving me tonight? Let's get serious.

Customer,
Anthony


Dear Food,

We've had a turbulent relationship. I never really liked you that much. TV has changed my opinion of you. Anthony Bourdain, our mutual acquaintance, has done a lot for us. And, the Food Network's idea of combining you with breasts? A brilliant stroke. Let's get together, like tomorrow....so I don't die. Keeping me alive, that's what's sexy about you.

Until We Meet Again,
Anthony