Short Letters

Dear Hot Asian Girls,

What's the deal with you and cars? Like if I put a honda with a hood scoop in my driveway, you seem genetically obligated to come sit on it. I've been trying to figure out this correlation for a long time. Let's get together and get to the bottom of this. We can go see Fast and Furious.

A Fan,
Anthony


Dear Canada,

You are wonderful. You made hockey. You put hockey on your money. I can't think of anything better to put on your money. I feel like I should draw hockey over Abraham Lincoln on my money. Then it would seem like it was worth more. Haha, oh, United States economy! Also, I believe that per capita you have the most beautiful women in the world and there are large parts of you where people don't even live. Your Niagara Falls are way better than ours and you nearly cornered the market on the majestic moose. So, good job all around. I'll even let you slide for Nickelback.

Love,
Anthony


Dear Fads That Sweep The Globe,

Stop happening. I swear to god. You don't know how much you bother me. Why does every person in the world wear a middle eastern scarf now? Why are glittery vampires teenage girls' favorite thing? I thought you would have retired after the success of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" but no, you never stop. Go jump off a bridge. Wait....don't....cause then everyone will and that's all my mom needs is an oppurtunity to ask about what I'm gonna do since everyone jumped off a bridge. I can't win. I hate you.

Fuck Me,
Anthony


Dear Guy Going Door To Door Trying To Sell Discounted Newspaper Subscriptions To Me Today,

What did you do to deserve this fate? Whatever it was, you'd be better off if you were a child molester cause then, at least, you would be able to kill two birds with one stone.

Sad For Where Your Life Ended Up,
Anthony


Dear Overtly Gay Waiter Named BeeJay,

I'm sorry I laugh about you. I have to. I was just raised wrong, that's all. Your name is a sex joke. What did your parents expect from me? A Beejay serving me tonight? Let's get serious.

Customer,
Anthony


Dear Food,

We've had a turbulent relationship. I never really liked you that much. TV has changed my opinion of you. Anthony Bourdain, our mutual acquaintance, has done a lot for us. And, the Food Network's idea of combining you with breasts? A brilliant stroke. Let's get together, like tomorrow....so I don't die. Keeping me alive, that's what's sexy about you.

Until We Meet Again,
Anthony