So, I think I should write a new blog. I kind of want to make a list of some sort, where I list things and give reasoning why they're on the list.
Do you, as blog readers, want me to make a list of
A) Things That I Want
B) Things That I Hate Right Now
C) Things That I Think About When I Masturbate
D) My Favorite Cartoons
Rock this vote, people. I don't want to sway you but I already have things prepared for C. I've been working on that list, as we speak. I'm just kidding.....Am I?......Maybe. Yeah, I am. "Wait, what does he mean by "I am"? Did he switch what he was talking about?". Alright, you guys make sure you're registered and get to work. I'll be thinking of you. ; )
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Last Time I Checked
This week I've listened to nothing but Avant Garde Jazz and the music from The Wiz. I was contemplating combining the two into some sort of Avant Garde Jizz. It would be far out. Handling my jizz would be an ambitious undertaking for anyone. I would win the Down Beat reader's poll for Jizz of the Year. I haven't made this jizz, as of yet. I just need to lock myself in a room with a few other people and bang it out.
Now, Avant Garde Jazz and The Wiz, aside from being two things that have made me go insane, they are a part of another list, as well. That would be Things I Love About America. They are purely American inventions. No one else would be strange enough to make them and call them artistic endeavors. As much as I enjoy them, they are, in a way, kind of just excuses to be ridiculous. But people made money off of them and that's the American way.
However, for all of these great things that have happened in America, there has to be a counterbalance. So, last week, I'm just minding my own business and, in the mail, comes a letter for me and it is telling me that I have to renew my driver's license. So, apparently, I am to ruin my day and go out of my way to the DMV and pay them.....pay them?....I'm supposed to pay them 30 dollars for this "service". Who invented this system? The devil. That's who.
What exactly is wrong with my license every 4 years that I need a new one anyway? Is it going to explode? No, because I've known criminals driving with expired licenses. It stays the same. These are questions that no one really thinks about. They blindly accept them as "the way it is" and pay their 30 dollars and get their "service" right up their ass and they forget it and move on and then they're pissed whenever they have to do it again in another 4 years. And, another thing, they don't accept cash. Whatever happened to cash? Last time I checked, paper money was the accepted currency here. You can't even pay the people at the DMV either. You have to send them a check ahead of time. I don't have checks! Who do they think I am? Bill Gates? Last time I checked, this was America; land of the free, home of the kentucky fried chicken; life and liberty and all that jazz. Do you know what liberty means? "The freedom to think or act without being constrained by necessity or force". Apparently, there's not a dictionary at the DMV. I'm sick of this government stifling me. They want nothing more than to hold me back. I'm gonna become successful making jizz. And, then I can throw it right in their faces.
Now, Avant Garde Jazz and The Wiz, aside from being two things that have made me go insane, they are a part of another list, as well. That would be Things I Love About America. They are purely American inventions. No one else would be strange enough to make them and call them artistic endeavors. As much as I enjoy them, they are, in a way, kind of just excuses to be ridiculous. But people made money off of them and that's the American way.
However, for all of these great things that have happened in America, there has to be a counterbalance. So, last week, I'm just minding my own business and, in the mail, comes a letter for me and it is telling me that I have to renew my driver's license. So, apparently, I am to ruin my day and go out of my way to the DMV and pay them.....pay them?....I'm supposed to pay them 30 dollars for this "service". Who invented this system? The devil. That's who.
What exactly is wrong with my license every 4 years that I need a new one anyway? Is it going to explode? No, because I've known criminals driving with expired licenses. It stays the same. These are questions that no one really thinks about. They blindly accept them as "the way it is" and pay their 30 dollars and get their "service" right up their ass and they forget it and move on and then they're pissed whenever they have to do it again in another 4 years. And, another thing, they don't accept cash. Whatever happened to cash? Last time I checked, paper money was the accepted currency here. You can't even pay the people at the DMV either. You have to send them a check ahead of time. I don't have checks! Who do they think I am? Bill Gates? Last time I checked, this was America; land of the free, home of the kentucky fried chicken; life and liberty and all that jazz. Do you know what liberty means? "The freedom to think or act without being constrained by necessity or force". Apparently, there's not a dictionary at the DMV. I'm sick of this government stifling me. They want nothing more than to hold me back. I'm gonna become successful making jizz. And, then I can throw it right in their faces.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Short Letters
Dear Hot Asian Girls,
What's the deal with you and cars? Like if I put a honda with a hood scoop in my driveway, you seem genetically obligated to come sit on it. I've been trying to figure out this correlation for a long time. Let's get together and get to the bottom of this. We can go see Fast and Furious.
A Fan,
Anthony
Dear Canada,
You are wonderful. You made hockey. You put hockey on your money. I can't think of anything better to put on your money. I feel like I should draw hockey over Abraham Lincoln on my money. Then it would seem like it was worth more. Haha, oh, United States economy! Also, I believe that per capita you have the most beautiful women in the world and there are large parts of you where people don't even live. Your Niagara Falls are way better than ours and you nearly cornered the market on the majestic moose. So, good job all around. I'll even let you slide for Nickelback.
Love,
Anthony
Dear Fads That Sweep The Globe,
Stop happening. I swear to god. You don't know how much you bother me. Why does every person in the world wear a middle eastern scarf now? Why are glittery vampires teenage girls' favorite thing? I thought you would have retired after the success of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" but no, you never stop. Go jump off a bridge. Wait....don't....cause then everyone will and that's all my mom needs is an oppurtunity to ask about what I'm gonna do since everyone jumped off a bridge. I can't win. I hate you.
Fuck Me,
Anthony
Dear Guy Going Door To Door Trying To Sell Discounted Newspaper Subscriptions To Me Today,
What did you do to deserve this fate? Whatever it was, you'd be better off if you were a child molester cause then, at least, you would be able to kill two birds with one stone.
Sad For Where Your Life Ended Up,
Anthony
Dear Overtly Gay Waiter Named BeeJay,
I'm sorry I laugh about you. I have to. I was just raised wrong, that's all. Your name is a sex joke. What did your parents expect from me? A Beejay serving me tonight? Let's get serious.
Customer,
Anthony
Dear Food,
We've had a turbulent relationship. I never really liked you that much. TV has changed my opinion of you. Anthony Bourdain, our mutual acquaintance, has done a lot for us. And, the Food Network's idea of combining you with breasts? A brilliant stroke. Let's get together, like tomorrow....so I don't die. Keeping me alive, that's what's sexy about you.
Until We Meet Again,
Anthony
What's the deal with you and cars? Like if I put a honda with a hood scoop in my driveway, you seem genetically obligated to come sit on it. I've been trying to figure out this correlation for a long time. Let's get together and get to the bottom of this. We can go see Fast and Furious.
A Fan,
Anthony
Dear Canada,
You are wonderful. You made hockey. You put hockey on your money. I can't think of anything better to put on your money. I feel like I should draw hockey over Abraham Lincoln on my money. Then it would seem like it was worth more. Haha, oh, United States economy! Also, I believe that per capita you have the most beautiful women in the world and there are large parts of you where people don't even live. Your Niagara Falls are way better than ours and you nearly cornered the market on the majestic moose. So, good job all around. I'll even let you slide for Nickelback.
Love,
Anthony
Dear Fads That Sweep The Globe,
Stop happening. I swear to god. You don't know how much you bother me. Why does every person in the world wear a middle eastern scarf now? Why are glittery vampires teenage girls' favorite thing? I thought you would have retired after the success of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" but no, you never stop. Go jump off a bridge. Wait....don't....cause then everyone will and that's all my mom needs is an oppurtunity to ask about what I'm gonna do since everyone jumped off a bridge. I can't win. I hate you.
Fuck Me,
Anthony
Dear Guy Going Door To Door Trying To Sell Discounted Newspaper Subscriptions To Me Today,
What did you do to deserve this fate? Whatever it was, you'd be better off if you were a child molester cause then, at least, you would be able to kill two birds with one stone.
Sad For Where Your Life Ended Up,
Anthony
Dear Overtly Gay Waiter Named BeeJay,
I'm sorry I laugh about you. I have to. I was just raised wrong, that's all. Your name is a sex joke. What did your parents expect from me? A Beejay serving me tonight? Let's get serious.
Customer,
Anthony
Dear Food,
We've had a turbulent relationship. I never really liked you that much. TV has changed my opinion of you. Anthony Bourdain, our mutual acquaintance, has done a lot for us. And, the Food Network's idea of combining you with breasts? A brilliant stroke. Let's get together, like tomorrow....so I don't die. Keeping me alive, that's what's sexy about you.
Until We Meet Again,
Anthony
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Something Fun I Learned Today
In America, sea turtles have universal healthcare and I do not. Isn't that fun?
Anyone wanna help me make a human sized shell? I will let you drive my boat that I will buy in the future to match the shoes that I will buy in the future. That sounds like a hypothetical deal to me. Hypothetically, I don't see how you could refuse. Parenthetically, (I was just told that peeing on a regular retriever to make it golden would be wrong. I say it's more of a moral gray area and an all around clever concept.)
Anyone wanna help me make a human sized shell? I will let you drive my boat that I will buy in the future to match the shoes that I will buy in the future. That sounds like a hypothetical deal to me. Hypothetically, I don't see how you could refuse. Parenthetically, (I was just told that peeing on a regular retriever to make it golden would be wrong. I say it's more of a moral gray area and an all around clever concept.)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
You Are What You Eat, If What You Eat Is A Fool
Listen, hot roast beef sandwich, I have some things I want to say to you. You are not a sandwich. If I have to eat you with a knife and fork, you are not a sandwich. If your bread is covered in exorbitant amounts of gravy so that it doesn't even stay in tact and I have a plate of roast beef and mush, sir, a sandwich you do not make. Who wants to eat that much gravy? I could have filled up a swimming pool and let the neighborhood children swim in this gravy, hot roast beef sandwich. You are a lie and a disgrace to the sandwich arts. Whoever named you should be brought up on charges. And, I see your buddy, hot turkey sandwich, over there too. You tell him I said to suck it. You're fucking fraudulent. Whenever Arby's makes more sense than you, you need to rethink what you're doing with yourself. They have a roast beef sandwich there. And guess what? It's fucking hot, when you pick it up with your hands. Bam! Sandwich. I'll wait a second, if you want to get a pen and pad and write these notes down. I would suggest it.
Maybe you could get a legal name change to like B. R. B. Gravy. It's classy, it rhymes, it explains what you are, I don't think you're gonna do much better. Maybe you could change your name to Zac. You're kind of like the Zac of sandwiches. I've never met or heard of a Zac I thought was cool. I don't think it exists. You need both a c and k/or h at the end of Zack or it throws a monkey wrench into the whole works of the Zack personality. It's like if I took away your gravy. Then, you would be a goddamned sandwich! What a preposterous scenario! Jackass. And, don't text me anymore. It's getting tiresome. Alright, we're through here.
Maybe you could get a legal name change to like B. R. B. Gravy. It's classy, it rhymes, it explains what you are, I don't think you're gonna do much better. Maybe you could change your name to Zac. You're kind of like the Zac of sandwiches. I've never met or heard of a Zac I thought was cool. I don't think it exists. You need both a c and k/or h at the end of Zack or it throws a monkey wrench into the whole works of the Zack personality. It's like if I took away your gravy. Then, you would be a goddamned sandwich! What a preposterous scenario! Jackass. And, don't text me anymore. It's getting tiresome. Alright, we're through here.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Cool Hand Tibbs Is My Hero!!
Ok, so, I have an idea! What we do is wait until Sidney Poitier dies......and then we combine him with Paul Newman into a reanimated Sidaul Poitiman.......and it will be the most charismatic zombie of all time........and horror movies will instantly become ten times more enjoyable. A zombie with a range like that....just think of the possibilities! Your brains would never be the same!
I should obviously run Hollywood. They've never come up with anything as good as that. Who's starring in their movies? Julia Roberts? No match for a combination Audrey/Katharine Hepburn. That's twice as much Hepburn as you need to be better than Julia Roberts.
Bonus idea: THC is a thing of the past. Smoke some THX and then you will be able to hear in digital surround sound. Totally dude.
I should obviously run Hollywood. They've never come up with anything as good as that. Who's starring in their movies? Julia Roberts? No match for a combination Audrey/Katharine Hepburn. That's twice as much Hepburn as you need to be better than Julia Roberts.
Bonus idea: THC is a thing of the past. Smoke some THX and then you will be able to hear in digital surround sound. Totally dude.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Short Letters: Celebrity Edition
Before I begin, I will say that I do know that it is strange to have a new edition of a premise before you ever actually did the original premise. This blog is groundbreaking. Deal with it, sucka. Normal short letters will be coming soon. Then, I would suppose some kind of Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay produced, bullet-riddled, exploding house reimagining will follow.
Dear Jonas Brothers,
Listening to you is like cutting through my testicles with a spoon. Also, you all kind of look like muppets....creepy muppets that were never allowed on the show, cause you weirded out Rowlf.
Your Friend,
Anthony
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
Everyone is tired of you. You can take all the naked pictures and date all the John Mayers you want. You are still painfully lame and you can no longer stand next to David Schwimmer to make yourself seem interesting.
Love,
Anthony
Dear Michael Jackson,
Please build a time machine and kill yourelf in 1991. It would be best for everyone. Also, I'm kind of busy. If you could change the name and pass this on to O.J. Simpson, that would be great. Thanks.
Your #1 Fan,
Anthony
Dear Coolio,
I just read that you were arrested for having crack at the airport. Who brings their crack to the airport? Didn't that seem like a bad idea? Why didn't you just have your kids hold onto it or something?
An Interested Fan,
Anthony
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Is a girl going out with you cause you got so skinny that you look like a fake penis? Also, fyi, I read the reasons you gave for why you're so thin. "Traveling and working a lot" is not a good code for excessive cocaine intake. It's so transparent.
Guy Who Bet That You Would Die,
Anthony
Dear Rihanna and Chris Brown,
What's your deal? Honestly. Who gets beat up by Chris Brown? And who bites a girl? In my mind, this sounds like you were taking part in some kind of greased retard battle royale. You should both go to jail.
The Prosecution,
Anthony
Dear Bridget From Girls Next Door,
I keep seeing ads for your new Travel Channel show. You have gone from wearing very little clothing on tv in just one place to wearing very little clothing on tv all over the world. Your skills know no bounds, there are no heights to which your almost naked body can not soar. I'm proud of you.
Boy Next Door...To Some Weird Guy Who's Probably Building A Bomb,
Anthony
Dear Miley Cyrus,
I am told you are very young. I would like to be your next inappropriately older boyfriend. Since I have a beard, you would look older cause there would be some hair on your vagina.
Next In Line,
Anthony
Did that one go too far? It may very well have gone too far.
Dear Jonas Brothers,
Listening to you is like cutting through my testicles with a spoon. Also, you all kind of look like muppets....creepy muppets that were never allowed on the show, cause you weirded out Rowlf.
Your Friend,
Anthony
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
Everyone is tired of you. You can take all the naked pictures and date all the John Mayers you want. You are still painfully lame and you can no longer stand next to David Schwimmer to make yourself seem interesting.
Love,
Anthony
Dear Michael Jackson,
Please build a time machine and kill yourelf in 1991. It would be best for everyone. Also, I'm kind of busy. If you could change the name and pass this on to O.J. Simpson, that would be great. Thanks.
Your #1 Fan,
Anthony
Dear Coolio,
I just read that you were arrested for having crack at the airport. Who brings their crack to the airport? Didn't that seem like a bad idea? Why didn't you just have your kids hold onto it or something?
An Interested Fan,
Anthony
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Is a girl going out with you cause you got so skinny that you look like a fake penis? Also, fyi, I read the reasons you gave for why you're so thin. "Traveling and working a lot" is not a good code for excessive cocaine intake. It's so transparent.
Guy Who Bet That You Would Die,
Anthony
Dear Rihanna and Chris Brown,
What's your deal? Honestly. Who gets beat up by Chris Brown? And who bites a girl? In my mind, this sounds like you were taking part in some kind of greased retard battle royale. You should both go to jail.
The Prosecution,
Anthony
Dear Bridget From Girls Next Door,
I keep seeing ads for your new Travel Channel show. You have gone from wearing very little clothing on tv in just one place to wearing very little clothing on tv all over the world. Your skills know no bounds, there are no heights to which your almost naked body can not soar. I'm proud of you.
Boy Next Door...To Some Weird Guy Who's Probably Building A Bomb,
Anthony
Dear Miley Cyrus,
I am told you are very young. I would like to be your next inappropriately older boyfriend. Since I have a beard, you would look older cause there would be some hair on your vagina.
Next In Line,
Anthony
Did that one go too far? It may very well have gone too far.
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