I was thinking about orgies. Without any prior orgy experience, I think it would be incredibly difficult to organize a successful group sex endeavor. This is the genius of the ancient romans; their orgy engineering skills. My guess is sometimes they probably cheated and used children or their relatives cause they were insane people but nonetheless, mad props to ancient rome.
I mean, if you go around asking people you know if they want to take part in an orgy they would think you are completely ridiculous. Either that, or there'll be all kinds of conditions and rules. I don't know why all the people you know are such sticks in the mud, but that's how it goes. I could probably get a couple creeps I know involved, and maybe convince one more, and I could always give Lady Gaga a call and she'd be down, but that's such a ramshackle structure, for an orgy. You would almost need to go and seek out orgy veterans, who know all the "ins and outs" of it. Cause if you set aside the idea of your friends and acquaintances and just say.....post an ad in the city paper, I feel like you would get a room full of dudes holding their dicks, waiting for the playboy bunnies to show up. It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to set this shit up, before the physical gymnastics get going, in the slightest.
Let's say you even convince some friends, people on the street, some girl you met at a bookstore that's clearly on ecstasy, that doesn't even mean it's going down. An orgy is something that sounds good on paper, like "Oh, Anthony, what a fresh, exciting idea. You're really spicing up my life right now."but then, get a bunch of strangers or acquaintances together in a room and ask them to start having sex and watch the awkwardness commence. These people might hate each other, not be attracted to anyone there, not have done their homework you clearly assigned(your friend Ron thinks Daisy Chain is just an indie rock band, from Detroit). These are serious concerns. Well, they are hilarious to me but serious, if you are very solemn in your questing for triple penetration, which I'm sure most of you are.
My way of thinking is that an orgy is something you should just leave as fantasy. If you make it happen, you can have that pride of accomplishment, but then what? What's next, in your life? What's harder than being a regular, everyday person putting together an orgy that leaves everyone saying "I'm pleased as punch."? Are you gonna bring peace to the middle east? Breed pandas for a living? Successfully recreate the bank heist from Die Hard With A Vengeance? Are you gonna take over for Willy Wonka, as head of the chocolate factory? Learn all the dialects of the Chinese language? Those are your choices. It's your choice to make. But honestly, I don't even know why you brought up orgies, in the first place. Did you want to get it on with me? Till the break of dawn with me? Till the early morn', turn your life into a porn? I can draw up a blueprint for a two-way, by next week....let's make it 7-10 business days. Maybe I'll talk to you first. Maybe. You know, I don't want to make it seem like this blog was all about sex.
Hahaha, this blog is ridiculous. I just read it back to myself and noticed that. But feel free to give me your opinions. Maybe you're like "Hey, man, it's not that hard.". And, I'll write you back and say "I bet that's what they said.".
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Dear God
If I was meeting a girl, for the first time, and, before I shook her hand, I put ribbed condoms on all of my fingers, do you think she would say "It's my pleasure."?
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thing I Got From Kathleen, Who Got It From Michelle. Reliable Sources Say That "Michelle Is Amazing!".
What is your current obsession? Hockey Playoffs. When it's playoff time, I watch like every game, no matter who is playing. The fever has taken over my life.
What is your weirdest obsession? I have this OCD thing about bathrooms. Or my love of waitresses.
What are you wearing today? White Hard Rock T-Shirt, Jeans, Black Telecaster Hoodie I wear like everyday.
What’s for dinner today? Spaghetti. Bruce Springsteen.
What are you looking forward to today? Bruce Springsteen. He will tell me all about the glory days and thunder roads and make me feel like I too was born to run.
What would you like to learn to do? Build a death-laser. Maybe play the piano.
What’s the last thing you bought? Uh....a burger and fries. Haha. I haven't bought anything legitimate in a long time.
What are you listening to right now? "The Seldom Seen Kid" By: Elbow. It has that badass song from Burn After Reading on it. The rest of it is sweet too.
What is your favorite weather? Raining Blood. Clearly. I also like Tsunamis cause they have a cool name and whenever it's like 70 and partly cloudy.
What is your most challenging goal right now? To start my life as a real human being.
What do you think about the person who tagged you? Kathleen? I think the world of Kathleen. She's incredible! As far as I'm concerned, she is the reason the internet exists.
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? This is a rough one for me. I like Spain, Portugal, the south of France, that whole western european area. New York and Austin seem amazing and Canada is nice all over.
What would you like to have in your hands right now? Lots and lots of money. Is there another answer to this? A genie lamp?
If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? I would go to Los Angeles and thank Kathleen for this great survey. Ha.
Which language do you want to learn? Spanish. I always have. I took it in high school but my teachers were more concerned with yelling and being fools than showing me how to speak spanish so all I know is how to find a hooker, a parrot, or a hooker with a parrot.
What do you look for in a friend? Uh...not a douche. I guess there's no real rhyme or reason to my group of friends other than that. They just have to be kind of smart and not piss me off too much.
Who do you want to meet in person? Everybody. God. Not like I want to meet God, I was using God as an interjection. Right now? Charlie Kaufman.
What’s your favorite type of music? Good music. I was just listening to Iron and Wine. That guy is good. Have I ever told you how much I like him? Ask me. You'll get a speech about the brilliance of the Woman King EP. You'd probably get a speech about any musician though. Ha.
What’s the favorite piece of clothing in your own closet? I don't keep clothing in my closet. I use the doorknob to hold my Telecaster Hoodie that I had mentioned previously. So, that's pretty good.
What is your dream job? Writing and directing film. Also, making music.
Any favorite models? Obviously, Tyra. Ha, but for real, Paulina Porizkova because she is married to Ric Ocasek and he looks like a combination of a zombie and a turkey.
If you were given a pinata, what would you want it to be filled with? Blood Diamonds!
Favorite designers? I don't know. Marc Jacobs? I hear good things.
What’s your must have for the summer season? Lemonade.
Do you admire anyone’s style? Russell Brand. He is committed to looking ridiculous.
Describe your personal style? Lazy guy that wears old t-shirts and jeans that are not stylish at all. Needs help. Could be homeless. Actually, I have a pretty good sense of style. I just don't use it cause I'm the lazy guy.
What is one of your favorite books? Pimp: The Story Of My Life. People might laugh when I say that, but read it. It's a great book.
What is one of your favorite films? Almost Famous...the director's cut of it. It's like 3 hours long but I didn't want it to end. "And you can tell Rolling Stone Magazine my last words were....I'm on drugs!!"
Who is your favorite comedian/comedic actor? Right now, I will say Dave Chappelle.
The rules:1. Respond and rework: answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.
2. Tag eight other people. I don't know 8 people that read my blog. Matt. Do it. maybe you'll be better at it than commenting.
What is your weirdest obsession? I have this OCD thing about bathrooms. Or my love of waitresses.
What are you wearing today? White Hard Rock T-Shirt, Jeans, Black Telecaster Hoodie I wear like everyday.
What’s for dinner today? Spaghetti. Bruce Springsteen.
What are you looking forward to today? Bruce Springsteen. He will tell me all about the glory days and thunder roads and make me feel like I too was born to run.
What would you like to learn to do? Build a death-laser. Maybe play the piano.
What’s the last thing you bought? Uh....a burger and fries. Haha. I haven't bought anything legitimate in a long time.
What are you listening to right now? "The Seldom Seen Kid" By: Elbow. It has that badass song from Burn After Reading on it. The rest of it is sweet too.
What is your favorite weather? Raining Blood. Clearly. I also like Tsunamis cause they have a cool name and whenever it's like 70 and partly cloudy.
What is your most challenging goal right now? To start my life as a real human being.
What do you think about the person who tagged you? Kathleen? I think the world of Kathleen. She's incredible! As far as I'm concerned, she is the reason the internet exists.
If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? This is a rough one for me. I like Spain, Portugal, the south of France, that whole western european area. New York and Austin seem amazing and Canada is nice all over.
What would you like to have in your hands right now? Lots and lots of money. Is there another answer to this? A genie lamp?
If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? I would go to Los Angeles and thank Kathleen for this great survey. Ha.
Which language do you want to learn? Spanish. I always have. I took it in high school but my teachers were more concerned with yelling and being fools than showing me how to speak spanish so all I know is how to find a hooker, a parrot, or a hooker with a parrot.
What do you look for in a friend? Uh...not a douche. I guess there's no real rhyme or reason to my group of friends other than that. They just have to be kind of smart and not piss me off too much.
Who do you want to meet in person? Everybody. God. Not like I want to meet God, I was using God as an interjection. Right now? Charlie Kaufman.
What’s your favorite type of music? Good music. I was just listening to Iron and Wine. That guy is good. Have I ever told you how much I like him? Ask me. You'll get a speech about the brilliance of the Woman King EP. You'd probably get a speech about any musician though. Ha.
What’s the favorite piece of clothing in your own closet? I don't keep clothing in my closet. I use the doorknob to hold my Telecaster Hoodie that I had mentioned previously. So, that's pretty good.
What is your dream job? Writing and directing film. Also, making music.
Any favorite models? Obviously, Tyra. Ha, but for real, Paulina Porizkova because she is married to Ric Ocasek and he looks like a combination of a zombie and a turkey.
If you were given a pinata, what would you want it to be filled with? Blood Diamonds!
Favorite designers? I don't know. Marc Jacobs? I hear good things.
What’s your must have for the summer season? Lemonade.
Do you admire anyone’s style? Russell Brand. He is committed to looking ridiculous.
Describe your personal style? Lazy guy that wears old t-shirts and jeans that are not stylish at all. Needs help. Could be homeless. Actually, I have a pretty good sense of style. I just don't use it cause I'm the lazy guy.
What is one of your favorite books? Pimp: The Story Of My Life. People might laugh when I say that, but read it. It's a great book.
What is one of your favorite films? Almost Famous...the director's cut of it. It's like 3 hours long but I didn't want it to end. "And you can tell Rolling Stone Magazine my last words were....I'm on drugs!!"
Who is your favorite comedian/comedic actor? Right now, I will say Dave Chappelle.
The rules:1. Respond and rework: answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.
2. Tag eight other people. I don't know 8 people that read my blog. Matt. Do it. maybe you'll be better at it than commenting.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
The Public Has Not Spoken
Ok, so, just to refresh your memory about what's going on here; in the last post, I wanted you, the readers, to decide what my new list would be about. I left it up to the people to vote for a topic. There were 4 choices; A-D. In the ensuing 3 comments, I got votes for "Not B", "Either A or C", and "C, if you're ready to do that one, or B, but really I want to hear about VH1 Celebreality.". We've learned a valuable lesson here. You are fools. You somehow figured out how to break an idea. But I guess the general "consensus" and the one I've decided to do, whether you like it or not, is C: Things That I Think About When I Masturbate. So, without further ado, here is that same list I just spoke of.
Things That I Think About When I Masturbate
3. The People Who Read My Blog. They are the hottest group of people I have ever pandered to.
4. David Duchovny. Self-explanatory. Obviously.
5. European Architecture.
6. The Record Collections Of Contemporary Porn Stars. Way more interesting than their films. They like Joy Division and Sonic Youth. Pretentious porn stars. So ironic.
8. Michelle Obama. I mean she's America's Sleeveless Sweetheart. But I must note that when I do this I hold my hand over my heart and sing the national anthem....out of respect.
9. "Flight Of The Bumblebee" by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. Well, that one time friction set my crotch on fire.
10. The Future. The future, Conan? That's right, Mr. T; all the way to the year 2000. By that, I, of course, mean the children....but in a time they haven't lived in yet. It's all very sci-fi and ahead of it's touching yourself time.
11. Uh....this is harder than I thought. Haha...harder than I thought. Uh...Titties.
12. Myself. Cause I feel like I could be "The One", if I just get to know myself better.
13. Giant, Far Away Waterfalls. It just seems appropriate. Note: this thought also works if you're having trouble peeing or if you hate your job.
14. Tennis. Beautiful game.
15. Things On My To-Do List. You know, life doesn't stop for your penis. I'm not some kind of irresponsible freak, right? Right.
16. Good Grammar. So hot.
17. My mind's tellin' me NO!! But my BODY........my BODY's tellin'me YES!!!
18. Terrible Looking Middle-Aged Women At Wal-Mart With Like 7 Kids. Now, you might say something like "Ew, Anthony, that's real nasty.". I would say "Exactly, darling.". Sometimes I need to calm myself and slow it down. The wang is not a powertool, friends. A lot of people say they "beat their dicks" but I don't like that. A little tenderness and romance never hurt a relationship.
19. How I Should Go To Sleep After This. Yeah, sleep....that would be nice.
20. The Old Guy That Was Walking Around My Neighborhood Selling Discount Subscriptions To The Newspaper. I think of that guy and how good I feel that my life hasn't become that depressing yet. I mean what's the commission on that? Like a nickel?
21. That Time I Was At Magee Women's Hospital. What a great place to pick up chicks. Then, I think about how I think calling women "chicks" is funny. I mean think about it. "I need to take my wife to the chick hospital today."
22. Should I Get A Twitter? I don't know. It seems dumb. "What are you doing right now?". Do I have to tweet "masturbating"? I wonder. What's to keep me from lying?
23. The Grand Slamwich. It's basically the best sandwich ever. But no mayo. Who wants mayo on their breakfast? And, thinking about mayo during autoerotic activities? That's weird. Just think about the meat.
24. A lot of times my mind will just wander and I'll think of different wonders of the world; UFOs, The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Ron Howard's really hot daughter......Where do they all come from? Can they really be real? It's hard to say.
25. Halle Berry. She's fine. Haha, silly popular rap music. Usually, my masturbation has a more ethereal indie-folk sensibility but sometimes you are so right.
Things That I Think About When I Masturbate
1. Polar Bears.
2. The Next Karate Kid. The sexual tension between Pat Morita and Hilary Swank is incredible.
3. The People Who Read My Blog. They are the hottest group of people I have ever pandered to.
4. David Duchovny. Self-explanatory. Obviously.
5. European Architecture.
6. The Record Collections Of Contemporary Porn Stars. Way more interesting than their films. They like Joy Division and Sonic Youth. Pretentious porn stars. So ironic.
7. Irony.
8. Michelle Obama. I mean she's America's Sleeveless Sweetheart. But I must note that when I do this I hold my hand over my heart and sing the national anthem....out of respect.
9. "Flight Of The Bumblebee" by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov. Well, that one time friction set my crotch on fire.
10. The Future. The future, Conan? That's right, Mr. T; all the way to the year 2000. By that, I, of course, mean the children....but in a time they haven't lived in yet. It's all very sci-fi and ahead of it's touching yourself time.
11. Uh....this is harder than I thought. Haha...harder than I thought. Uh...Titties.
12. Myself. Cause I feel like I could be "The One", if I just get to know myself better.
13. Giant, Far Away Waterfalls. It just seems appropriate. Note: this thought also works if you're having trouble peeing or if you hate your job.
14. Tennis. Beautiful game.
15. Things On My To-Do List. You know, life doesn't stop for your penis. I'm not some kind of irresponsible freak, right? Right.
16. Good Grammar. So hot.
17. My mind's tellin' me NO!! But my BODY........my BODY's tellin'me YES!!!
18. Terrible Looking Middle-Aged Women At Wal-Mart With Like 7 Kids. Now, you might say something like "Ew, Anthony, that's real nasty.". I would say "Exactly, darling.". Sometimes I need to calm myself and slow it down. The wang is not a powertool, friends. A lot of people say they "beat their dicks" but I don't like that. A little tenderness and romance never hurt a relationship.
19. How I Should Go To Sleep After This. Yeah, sleep....that would be nice.
20. The Old Guy That Was Walking Around My Neighborhood Selling Discount Subscriptions To The Newspaper. I think of that guy and how good I feel that my life hasn't become that depressing yet. I mean what's the commission on that? Like a nickel?
21. That Time I Was At Magee Women's Hospital. What a great place to pick up chicks. Then, I think about how I think calling women "chicks" is funny. I mean think about it. "I need to take my wife to the chick hospital today."
22. Should I Get A Twitter? I don't know. It seems dumb. "What are you doing right now?". Do I have to tweet "masturbating"? I wonder. What's to keep me from lying?
23. The Grand Slamwich. It's basically the best sandwich ever. But no mayo. Who wants mayo on their breakfast? And, thinking about mayo during autoerotic activities? That's weird. Just think about the meat.
24. A lot of times my mind will just wander and I'll think of different wonders of the world; UFOs, The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Ron Howard's really hot daughter......Where do they all come from? Can they really be real? It's hard to say.
25. Halle Berry. She's fine. Haha, silly popular rap music. Usually, my masturbation has a more ethereal indie-folk sensibility but sometimes you are so right.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Democracy At It's Finest
So, I think I should write a new blog. I kind of want to make a list of some sort, where I list things and give reasoning why they're on the list.
Do you, as blog readers, want me to make a list of
A) Things That I Want
B) Things That I Hate Right Now
C) Things That I Think About When I Masturbate
D) My Favorite Cartoons
Rock this vote, people. I don't want to sway you but I already have things prepared for C. I've been working on that list, as we speak. I'm just kidding.....Am I?......Maybe. Yeah, I am. "Wait, what does he mean by "I am"? Did he switch what he was talking about?". Alright, you guys make sure you're registered and get to work. I'll be thinking of you. ; )
Do you, as blog readers, want me to make a list of
A) Things That I Want
B) Things That I Hate Right Now
C) Things That I Think About When I Masturbate
D) My Favorite Cartoons
Rock this vote, people. I don't want to sway you but I already have things prepared for C. I've been working on that list, as we speak. I'm just kidding.....Am I?......Maybe. Yeah, I am. "Wait, what does he mean by "I am"? Did he switch what he was talking about?". Alright, you guys make sure you're registered and get to work. I'll be thinking of you. ; )
Friday, April 10, 2009
Last Time I Checked
This week I've listened to nothing but Avant Garde Jazz and the music from The Wiz. I was contemplating combining the two into some sort of Avant Garde Jizz. It would be far out. Handling my jizz would be an ambitious undertaking for anyone. I would win the Down Beat reader's poll for Jizz of the Year. I haven't made this jizz, as of yet. I just need to lock myself in a room with a few other people and bang it out.
Now, Avant Garde Jazz and The Wiz, aside from being two things that have made me go insane, they are a part of another list, as well. That would be Things I Love About America. They are purely American inventions. No one else would be strange enough to make them and call them artistic endeavors. As much as I enjoy them, they are, in a way, kind of just excuses to be ridiculous. But people made money off of them and that's the American way.
However, for all of these great things that have happened in America, there has to be a counterbalance. So, last week, I'm just minding my own business and, in the mail, comes a letter for me and it is telling me that I have to renew my driver's license. So, apparently, I am to ruin my day and go out of my way to the DMV and pay them.....pay them?....I'm supposed to pay them 30 dollars for this "service". Who invented this system? The devil. That's who.
What exactly is wrong with my license every 4 years that I need a new one anyway? Is it going to explode? No, because I've known criminals driving with expired licenses. It stays the same. These are questions that no one really thinks about. They blindly accept them as "the way it is" and pay their 30 dollars and get their "service" right up their ass and they forget it and move on and then they're pissed whenever they have to do it again in another 4 years. And, another thing, they don't accept cash. Whatever happened to cash? Last time I checked, paper money was the accepted currency here. You can't even pay the people at the DMV either. You have to send them a check ahead of time. I don't have checks! Who do they think I am? Bill Gates? Last time I checked, this was America; land of the free, home of the kentucky fried chicken; life and liberty and all that jazz. Do you know what liberty means? "The freedom to think or act without being constrained by necessity or force". Apparently, there's not a dictionary at the DMV. I'm sick of this government stifling me. They want nothing more than to hold me back. I'm gonna become successful making jizz. And, then I can throw it right in their faces.
Now, Avant Garde Jazz and The Wiz, aside from being two things that have made me go insane, they are a part of another list, as well. That would be Things I Love About America. They are purely American inventions. No one else would be strange enough to make them and call them artistic endeavors. As much as I enjoy them, they are, in a way, kind of just excuses to be ridiculous. But people made money off of them and that's the American way.
However, for all of these great things that have happened in America, there has to be a counterbalance. So, last week, I'm just minding my own business and, in the mail, comes a letter for me and it is telling me that I have to renew my driver's license. So, apparently, I am to ruin my day and go out of my way to the DMV and pay them.....pay them?....I'm supposed to pay them 30 dollars for this "service". Who invented this system? The devil. That's who.
What exactly is wrong with my license every 4 years that I need a new one anyway? Is it going to explode? No, because I've known criminals driving with expired licenses. It stays the same. These are questions that no one really thinks about. They blindly accept them as "the way it is" and pay their 30 dollars and get their "service" right up their ass and they forget it and move on and then they're pissed whenever they have to do it again in another 4 years. And, another thing, they don't accept cash. Whatever happened to cash? Last time I checked, paper money was the accepted currency here. You can't even pay the people at the DMV either. You have to send them a check ahead of time. I don't have checks! Who do they think I am? Bill Gates? Last time I checked, this was America; land of the free, home of the kentucky fried chicken; life and liberty and all that jazz. Do you know what liberty means? "The freedom to think or act without being constrained by necessity or force". Apparently, there's not a dictionary at the DMV. I'm sick of this government stifling me. They want nothing more than to hold me back. I'm gonna become successful making jizz. And, then I can throw it right in their faces.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Short Letters
Dear Hot Asian Girls,
What's the deal with you and cars? Like if I put a honda with a hood scoop in my driveway, you seem genetically obligated to come sit on it. I've been trying to figure out this correlation for a long time. Let's get together and get to the bottom of this. We can go see Fast and Furious.
A Fan,
Anthony
Dear Canada,
You are wonderful. You made hockey. You put hockey on your money. I can't think of anything better to put on your money. I feel like I should draw hockey over Abraham Lincoln on my money. Then it would seem like it was worth more. Haha, oh, United States economy! Also, I believe that per capita you have the most beautiful women in the world and there are large parts of you where people don't even live. Your Niagara Falls are way better than ours and you nearly cornered the market on the majestic moose. So, good job all around. I'll even let you slide for Nickelback.
Love,
Anthony
Dear Fads That Sweep The Globe,
Stop happening. I swear to god. You don't know how much you bother me. Why does every person in the world wear a middle eastern scarf now? Why are glittery vampires teenage girls' favorite thing? I thought you would have retired after the success of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" but no, you never stop. Go jump off a bridge. Wait....don't....cause then everyone will and that's all my mom needs is an oppurtunity to ask about what I'm gonna do since everyone jumped off a bridge. I can't win. I hate you.
Fuck Me,
Anthony
Dear Guy Going Door To Door Trying To Sell Discounted Newspaper Subscriptions To Me Today,
What did you do to deserve this fate? Whatever it was, you'd be better off if you were a child molester cause then, at least, you would be able to kill two birds with one stone.
Sad For Where Your Life Ended Up,
Anthony
Dear Overtly Gay Waiter Named BeeJay,
I'm sorry I laugh about you. I have to. I was just raised wrong, that's all. Your name is a sex joke. What did your parents expect from me? A Beejay serving me tonight? Let's get serious.
Customer,
Anthony
Dear Food,
We've had a turbulent relationship. I never really liked you that much. TV has changed my opinion of you. Anthony Bourdain, our mutual acquaintance, has done a lot for us. And, the Food Network's idea of combining you with breasts? A brilliant stroke. Let's get together, like tomorrow....so I don't die. Keeping me alive, that's what's sexy about you.
Until We Meet Again,
Anthony
What's the deal with you and cars? Like if I put a honda with a hood scoop in my driveway, you seem genetically obligated to come sit on it. I've been trying to figure out this correlation for a long time. Let's get together and get to the bottom of this. We can go see Fast and Furious.
A Fan,
Anthony
Dear Canada,
You are wonderful. You made hockey. You put hockey on your money. I can't think of anything better to put on your money. I feel like I should draw hockey over Abraham Lincoln on my money. Then it would seem like it was worth more. Haha, oh, United States economy! Also, I believe that per capita you have the most beautiful women in the world and there are large parts of you where people don't even live. Your Niagara Falls are way better than ours and you nearly cornered the market on the majestic moose. So, good job all around. I'll even let you slide for Nickelback.
Love,
Anthony
Dear Fads That Sweep The Globe,
Stop happening. I swear to god. You don't know how much you bother me. Why does every person in the world wear a middle eastern scarf now? Why are glittery vampires teenage girls' favorite thing? I thought you would have retired after the success of "Who Let The Dogs Out?" but no, you never stop. Go jump off a bridge. Wait....don't....cause then everyone will and that's all my mom needs is an oppurtunity to ask about what I'm gonna do since everyone jumped off a bridge. I can't win. I hate you.
Fuck Me,
Anthony
Dear Guy Going Door To Door Trying To Sell Discounted Newspaper Subscriptions To Me Today,
What did you do to deserve this fate? Whatever it was, you'd be better off if you were a child molester cause then, at least, you would be able to kill two birds with one stone.
Sad For Where Your Life Ended Up,
Anthony
Dear Overtly Gay Waiter Named BeeJay,
I'm sorry I laugh about you. I have to. I was just raised wrong, that's all. Your name is a sex joke. What did your parents expect from me? A Beejay serving me tonight? Let's get serious.
Customer,
Anthony
Dear Food,
We've had a turbulent relationship. I never really liked you that much. TV has changed my opinion of you. Anthony Bourdain, our mutual acquaintance, has done a lot for us. And, the Food Network's idea of combining you with breasts? A brilliant stroke. Let's get together, like tomorrow....so I don't die. Keeping me alive, that's what's sexy about you.
Until We Meet Again,
Anthony
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